A Daughter No More

 Today is November 18, 2022. The day after my own daughter grabbed my hair and hit me on my head 6 or 7 times. A part of me died that day.

I came home  from school at around 6:30 p.m. Let us just say, I had low tolerance to anything that I dislike at that time because of tiredness and some problems encountered at work before heading home.

I got in after my mom left and looked for Isha. "Baby.. Baby.. Are we going to school tomorrow?" Everything was okey at the start, then I noticed the food scattered on the island with ants on it, comfort rooms dirty, and so I asked her, if she used my CR. And she said yes because her CR was used by her lola.

It was petty. I talked to her about her share in maintaining the upkeep of the house, which she did not take positively. Yes, I was nagging, but given her fault, the best response from a discerning child was silence. I was expecting she'd just say sorry, but she answered back. Rudely. Sarcastically. The more that I was provoked. It was heartbreaking seeing her talk with sarcasm, while smirking. There was no respect at all. For any parent, if a child says sorry, that is the end of the story, but my child is different. She loves to push me beyond my bounds. 

To cut the story short, I said: "Fine. Am gonna make you suffer." I switched off the WIFI, and got her phone. I poured out all my anger on her phone. Threw it many times and even, stepped on it. I even got out of the house, and threw it as far I could. And that started it all.

She started screaming. Both hands, she grabbed my hair, bend my head down and started hitting my head with her other hand as she  let loose half of my hair. I don't know, what happened. But I didn't stop her. One, I might have pushed her and she might hit her head somewhere, or I could have hurt her--- something that I will regret in my entire life. I pretended to be half unconscious as I slid down. That was when she stopped, and started to call for help.

I was shocked that my daughter could do this to me for a phone, which I own. My head was numb and my heart was pounding too fast. I called for help. Thank God ate Jhing came at once with Kuya and their son. Two things: I might have a heart attack, or she might hurt me again while I was so weak. I managed to get up and went to my room. It was only when Ate Jhing arrived when I decided to stay outside.

I was hurting, physically and emotionally. Tears kept on swelling up. It became my eye default. That night, I realized, there is no hope. She will be this kind of person when she has grown up. Memories of her when she was a baby kept on flashing into my head. Such a happy kid. Her lil voice kept on resonating on my ears as I remember  her when she was a little girl. She was grumpy, a difficult child to handle- yes, but there were happy moments.

At this point in our lives, good times with her are rare. She didn't even want to spend time with us, and prefers the company of her phone. She trusts online friends more than us, her parents, who are willing to give up our lives for her sake.

Where is my daughter? This is not the daughter that I raised.

It saddens me so much that her heart is filled with negativity, and anger-- to think that other kids would want to trade places with her. She can choose to be happy, but prefers not to. What has become of this child?

What will happen to her where we're gone? Who will love her unconditionally? Who will stay by her side if she will remain to be this kind of person?

After what happened, I can't even look at her face. I am afraid to go near her. I am so scared to stay in one place with her. She could have killed me; actually, she just did. Every time her hand pounded on my head, a part of  my heart dies. You can imagine what was left of my heart after that incident.

I told myself, I will not cry anymore, But I can't... I can't stop the tears from falling. Sometimes, I would want to just end this all, but my husband needs me. I do not want to leave the burden on him. It will be too hard to take.

My heart aches soooo much. After everything that I went through with her, this is by far, the worst. Maybe the trauma on my head will vanish soon, but the pain remains. It will stay here for a long time, I know; may Jehovah heal me soon.

ahhhh... This is my cross to carry. I do not know what to do anymore. Maybe, in our next encounter, I cannot blog anymore, because, I am gone. Jehovah forbids. I hope it will not come to that point.

I pray for healing. I pray for my daughter's healing as well. May she let go of all her negativities and choose to be happy. Maybe soon... yes, soon,

A Mom's Tale

(Written in 2021)

Ever since, I have considered myself as a failure being a mom of one.

My daughter is difficult to handle. When she was young and she'd make tantrums or rude remarks, friends would often say "Ganyan talaga e. Bata pa."

Despite that, I continued to discipline her because I didn't want her to be that kind of person when she grows up. I tried all sorts of disciplining style: palo, diplomatic approach, dedma and others but nothing really worked. Others would say that such an attitude comes with being gifted mentally, but that is a thought not too welcoming for me. I'd prefer someone who is righteous over someone who is mentally gifted. 

She did accomplish a lot of things, academically, and we've never been so proud. However, as she ages, her attitude continues to worsen. I'd hit her once in a while when I couldn't control myself anymore, and that would work for a couple of days but, eventually, she'd go back to her normal self as if nothing happened. This is so heartbreaking.

She continues to be rude, cranky and insensitive. It's like for her, the world only revolves on  her. However, there were moments when she was tender and sweet but that wouldn't last for quite long.

She's 12 as of this writing, and in a week, her abominable attitude would leap its way out for at least thrice a week, or  even more than that. When things seem not to be going her way, she  would shout out load and blame the people around her for all her misdoings or wrong decisions. I feel that we are her punching bags, because straight from her mouth, she couldn't blame herself or else that would lead her to depression.

She claims I'm annoying. Whatever tone I use, whether low or high, it's annoying. The way I phrase my words is also annoying. Probably, everything about me is annoying, that's why according to her, she chose not to be the kind of person that I am praying and hoping for. The person that she is now, she said, is all because of us. So if she turns out bad, then it's my fault or her father's fault.

Maybe it really is my fault. Sometimes, I blame myself for entrusting her to my mother when she was still a baby. I should have done it myself, took care of her and at that age, guided her to righteousness. Maybe, we were wrong... I was wrong... But it takes two to tango. She should have done her part as well, especially now that she's a lil older.

We just had argument today and, she spoke to me of words no mother would want to hear. I feel so detached from her and so hopeless. I think, we will never have the kind of a mother- daughter relationship  I've been dreaming of for so long. The rope that used to bond us is gone, and probably will be gone forever. I failed.

When my husband and I got married in 2004, I was too eager to have a child. It took me three years before I finally got pregnant. Within those years, there was a point in our lives when I told my husband: We will grow old childless, so  were already considering of adopting a baby. But October 2007 changed our lives forever. I tested positive.

12 years later, this is what became of our bundle of joy- a child that is full of hatred and remorse. I don't even understand where all these are coming from. I gave up so much of my dreams to have a good and happy family, but I ended up being blamed for for someone else's failures. What have I done wrong? I do not know what to do anymore. 

All I ever wanted is to raise a good person. Is that too much to ask? 

Failure

Written in 2020

 I.AM.A.FAILURE.

For the past few days, my 12-year old daughter and I are not in good terms. I don't know. She keeps on insisting that "our way of disciplining her" is not the right thing, and that we are bad parents, or probably the worst.

I thought last Friday was the most painful day in my life, hearing so many hurting from her like being manipulative and all, but today, was far even worse.

Obviously, she despises me and everything about me. I do not know what I did wrong when I was raising her. She was a difficult child to handle ever since she was two years old. Maybe, I had gone too far disciplining her but there was no other way. Her misdemeanor was intolerable anymore, and I fear that she would turn out the kind of person everyone would hate. SHE HAD TO BE STOPPED.

All along, my husband and I thought we were doing the right thing. But we always go back to square one. Many times in my life, I would envy mothers and daughters with such a special bonding. I would tell myself, I wish my daughter and I have the same kind of relationship.

I was thinking. Maybe age has something to do with it, but as she aged, she didn't get any better. There were  moments when she was the sweetest, but there were times when she almost cursed me to death. Just like today.

Since Friday, I stopped talking to her, only on casual basis. She needs space and so do I.  But earlier this morning, I heard talking with someone- laughing. I was surprised because this week is their final exam.  Despite not wanting to see her, I went upstairs and asked her, who was she talking to. She responded rudely. "I am talking to myself. Go away"

I felt blood rising to my head but I kept calm and told her, "You still didn't get it, did you?" Despite my cold treatment,  I didn't feel any remorse from her. I never felt that she was so sorry for what she told me and her dad last Friday.

She said so many things: I felt a dagger struck my heart. Yelled at me and even threw her spoon and fork at me. This  time she said, she hates me and and never even want to look at my face. She said all these, many times with an attempt to hit me. And she was just screaming, as if she was going insane. IT WAS TOO PAINFUL. I did everything to be a good mother, but I am not perfect. I have my own flaws too- lots of them, but Jehovah knows, everything that I do, we do-- is for our daughter. She means everything to us, and all I want is for her to have a good life and be a good person.

I never regretted not having so many achievements, career wise because having her, is the greatest achievement of all.

Yes we didn't choose her, and she didn't choose us-- but her coming is the most special day in our lives. The moment I found out I was pregnant, until the day I gave birth to her-- not to mention how difficult my pregnancy was at that time, were the most precious moments of my life.

Since this Saturday, I've been doing a collage of all that we've been together as a family. I miss her. I miss my darling daughter so much. She has changed and I don't know her anymore. I miss hugging her, smelling her breath as she sleeps and kissing her big cheeks. These things, I cannot do anymore, and it saddens me so much.

I am scared for her. I am scared for her future. What if nobody loves her when she's just on her own. What if she couldn't get a stable job because of her attitude. How will she survive? What will happen to her? We cannot be with her forever, and so we have to prepare her when this day comes.

There will be a point in her life when she gets to read this. I left her all my social media accounts and passwords, which she will have once am out of this world. I sincerely pray to Jehovah, that when that time comes- she has already transformed into a person everyone would love and care for.  

The Clock is Ticking...

I've been with San Carlos College CICS Department for two years now, and with all sincerity, I can say, they've been my extended family since Day 1.

The cast of  "Fifty Shades Darker"

No pretensions, not even an air of competition can be felt, to think that these kids (my colleagues in the department) are in their mid 20's. They are--- actually, WE ARE simply ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY!

The cast of "Nathaniel"!

As the full implementation of the K-12 program draws near, a lot of changes will definitely take place. I thought at first, it's only the system and program that would be affected by this big shift in our educational system, but actually, it will also make a huge impact in the personal lives of the so many people in the tertiary level. Come to think of it: you will be separated with the people you grow old with and poured emotional investments with. 

my college professors lol

For those who are still young like these people that I  know will have to build new relationships and establish new ties with new bosses (probably), while for those  who are old enough to seek new employment will have to resort to early retirement.

my classmates - lol

I still have 20 months (disregard summer months) to enjoy my stay in SCC-CICS. In those months, I will have to savor every moment I spend with them, for who knows, we might not have this opportunity to bond as one big happy family again in the future. 

I thank them for the many months of laughters! I truly appreciate their effort in making me a part of their lives, no matter how short this may be..

future loveteam- hehe

In two years time, my Saturdays will never be the same again.

my lil bookworm

Well, for sure she will get angry when she sees this, but look at her.. She just loves to read. I think at this time, she was reading a comics about Tinkerbell.

Anybody who would want to surprise her on special occasions, just grab a Tinkerbell, or a Princess mag in a magazine stand, that will do the trick! She will be so happy and enthralled!

sweetness :-)

This picture was drawn by my daughter a few days ago. She loves to draw, and that is one medium where she assures me that she loves me. She has been doing this ever since.... Soo sweet of her.

never too late

Since I started working and earning my own money, I never entertained the idea of going back to school again to take up higher studies. There was a point when I did go back, but I stopped just the same. I got married at 29 and the more that I detest such an idea. I was more engrossed with raising my own family, saving for the future and pondered much on how can I get to bear a child. When I got pregnant three years after, motherhood became a priority and despite the clamor of my colleagues to pursue my higher studies, I just snobbed them. I told them my satisfaction of being a teacher I.

Then, an opportunity came along in 2010--- something that was hard to resist. A scholarship was being offered by the Civil Service Commission to all government employees and the best part of the offer was, the status of the a qualified grantee would be "study on official time", which meant, he doesn't need to go to work while under contract with the CSC. This was the most tempting part!

When I got all the necessary information from our administrative officer, I called my husband in his office (also a government office), and told him of my intention to try it out. He said he wanted it too.

So off we went, and processed all the needed documents to be able to qualify for the competitive exam on March 28, 2010 in San Fernando, La Union. We had, like a month to prepare for the test and we did review together. I must admit, we pushed it really hard. This was something that I had to be serious about particularly in Math. The examination covered Management, English, Math, Constitution, and a lot of RAs. I was just grateful that I had 3 semesters in UP Baguio on a Management course.

Then the big day came. Looking back, there were a lot of adversities along the way which made me think- Oh my something's tryin' to block us off. Imagine, the car wouldn't start, then when it did, the car air- con failed! But still we went on and took the exam, the most difficult exam I ever had-- probably next to UPCAT.

Three months after, to our surprise,  our names were on the CSC Website. Oh, I cried. Both of us passing that exam was a such a blessing. However, that was just 50% of the exam; we still had to undergo the panel interview in San Fernando, La Union in October. And so we did. But it wasn't as easy as that. There was a typhoon at that time, and the entire Dagupan was flooded. So we were thinking: Should we head off? Yes, we did.

DURING MY ORAL DEFENSE UNDER DR. SICAT'S CLASS @ TSU

It was my husband who was interviewed first and it was an agony to be waiting for my turn. I just wanted this to end because it was really killing me. My turn came and thank God, I think I did pretty good.

When letters came informing us that my husband and I made it, I was just so happy! To be honest, what really made me happy was the fact that I can get to take care of my daughter for the next two years and be a full-fledged wife to my husband.  I was really excited. What was more surprising was that, the desire to go back to school was on at me again; well, never too late I guess..