Failure

Written in 2020

 I.AM.A.FAILURE.

For the past few days, my 12-year old daughter and I are not in good terms. I don't know. She keeps on insisting that "our way of disciplining her" is not the right thing, and that we are bad parents, or probably the worst.

I thought last Friday was the most painful day in my life, hearing so many hurting from her like being manipulative and all, but today, was far even worse.

Obviously, she despises me and everything about me. I do not know what I did wrong when I was raising her. She was a difficult child to handle ever since she was two years old. Maybe, I had gone too far disciplining her but there was no other way. Her misdemeanor was intolerable anymore, and I fear that she would turn out the kind of person everyone would hate. SHE HAD TO BE STOPPED.

All along, my husband and I thought we were doing the right thing. But we always go back to square one. Many times in my life, I would envy mothers and daughters with such a special bonding. I would tell myself, I wish my daughter and I have the same kind of relationship.

I was thinking. Maybe age has something to do with it, but as she aged, she didn't get any better. There were  moments when she was the sweetest, but there were times when she almost cursed me to death. Just like today.

Since Friday, I stopped talking to her, only on casual basis. She needs space and so do I.  But earlier this morning, I heard talking with someone- laughing. I was surprised because this week is their final exam.  Despite not wanting to see her, I went upstairs and asked her, who was she talking to. She responded rudely. "I am talking to myself. Go away"

I felt blood rising to my head but I kept calm and told her, "You still didn't get it, did you?" Despite my cold treatment,  I didn't feel any remorse from her. I never felt that she was so sorry for what she told me and her dad last Friday.

She said so many things: I felt a dagger struck my heart. Yelled at me and even threw her spoon and fork at me. This  time she said, she hates me and and never even want to look at my face. She said all these, many times with an attempt to hit me. And she was just screaming, as if she was going insane. IT WAS TOO PAINFUL. I did everything to be a good mother, but I am not perfect. I have my own flaws too- lots of them, but Jehovah knows, everything that I do, we do-- is for our daughter. She means everything to us, and all I want is for her to have a good life and be a good person.

I never regretted not having so many achievements, career wise because having her, is the greatest achievement of all.

Yes we didn't choose her, and she didn't choose us-- but her coming is the most special day in our lives. The moment I found out I was pregnant, until the day I gave birth to her-- not to mention how difficult my pregnancy was at that time, were the most precious moments of my life.

Since this Saturday, I've been doing a collage of all that we've been together as a family. I miss her. I miss my darling daughter so much. She has changed and I don't know her anymore. I miss hugging her, smelling her breath as she sleeps and kissing her big cheeks. These things, I cannot do anymore, and it saddens me so much.

I am scared for her. I am scared for her future. What if nobody loves her when she's just on her own. What if she couldn't get a stable job because of her attitude. How will she survive? What will happen to her? We cannot be with her forever, and so we have to prepare her when this day comes.

There will be a point in her life when she gets to read this. I left her all my social media accounts and passwords, which she will have once am out of this world. I sincerely pray to Jehovah, that when that time comes- she has already transformed into a person everyone would love and care for.