A Mom's Tale

(Written in 2021)

Ever since, I have considered myself as a failure being a mom of one.

My daughter is difficult to handle. When she was young and she'd make tantrums or rude remarks, friends would often say "Ganyan talaga e. Bata pa."

Despite that, I continued to discipline her because I didn't want her to be that kind of person when she grows up. I tried all sorts of disciplining style: palo, diplomatic approach, dedma and others but nothing really worked. Others would say that such an attitude comes with being gifted mentally, but that is a thought not too welcoming for me. I'd prefer someone who is righteous over someone who is mentally gifted. 

She did accomplish a lot of things, academically, and we've never been so proud. However, as she ages, her attitude continues to worsen. I'd hit her once in a while when I couldn't control myself anymore, and that would work for a couple of days but, eventually, she'd go back to her normal self as if nothing happened. This is so heartbreaking.

She continues to be rude, cranky and insensitive. It's like for her, the world only revolves on  her. However, there were moments when she was tender and sweet but that wouldn't last for quite long.

She's 12 as of this writing, and in a week, her abominable attitude would leap its way out for at least thrice a week, or  even more than that. When things seem not to be going her way, she  would shout out load and blame the people around her for all her misdoings or wrong decisions. I feel that we are her punching bags, because straight from her mouth, she couldn't blame herself or else that would lead her to depression.

She claims I'm annoying. Whatever tone I use, whether low or high, it's annoying. The way I phrase my words is also annoying. Probably, everything about me is annoying, that's why according to her, she chose not to be the kind of person that I am praying and hoping for. The person that she is now, she said, is all because of us. So if she turns out bad, then it's my fault or her father's fault.

Maybe it really is my fault. Sometimes, I blame myself for entrusting her to my mother when she was still a baby. I should have done it myself, took care of her and at that age, guided her to righteousness. Maybe, we were wrong... I was wrong... But it takes two to tango. She should have done her part as well, especially now that she's a lil older.

We just had argument today and, she spoke to me of words no mother would want to hear. I feel so detached from her and so hopeless. I think, we will never have the kind of a mother- daughter relationship  I've been dreaming of for so long. The rope that used to bond us is gone, and probably will be gone forever. I failed.

When my husband and I got married in 2004, I was too eager to have a child. It took me three years before I finally got pregnant. Within those years, there was a point in our lives when I told my husband: We will grow old childless, so  were already considering of adopting a baby. But October 2007 changed our lives forever. I tested positive.

12 years later, this is what became of our bundle of joy- a child that is full of hatred and remorse. I don't even understand where all these are coming from. I gave up so much of my dreams to have a good and happy family, but I ended up being blamed for for someone else's failures. What have I done wrong? I do not know what to do anymore. 

All I ever wanted is to raise a good person. Is that too much to ask?